Keeping It R-E-A-L

Last week we discussed how we should forge new friendships and no sooner than I posted the blog that my ‘friendship’ with someone was tested once again.  It was so interesting because it meant that I must now apply the shared knowledge to my own growth.  Although I do not consider myself to be a friendly person, I do consider myself to be a good friend.  However, not everyone will appreciate what you bring to the table and as such you will be constantly reevaluating your friendships (just as we don't always appreciate what others bring to us).

After posting last week’s blog, I called a relative to touch base with her.  During our conversation, she mentioned that another relative said that I don’t call him.  At first I was at a loss for words, but when I regained my ability to speak, I asked her to explain what he meant.  To which she replied that he shared that I called him once and never called him back.  Upon realizing that this could quickly turn into a he say/she say situation, I skillfully changed the subject. 

Friendship is like a bank account, in order to make withdrawals; deposits would have had to be made.  It we invest time in others we get to know them well and after a while we can predict with a certain degree of accuracy the kinds of things they will do or say in certain circumstances.  As discussed last week, we cultivate friendships by being R-E-A-L, which is making deposits into the friendship account.  Deposits include – calling each other, spending time with each other (depending on proximity), caring about each other’s well-being and doing random acts of kindness to name a few. 

As I look back on this ‘friendship’, I realize that this person does not double my joys or cut my griefs in half.  As a matter of fact it is the exact opposite – his actions constantly double my griefs and cut my joys in half.  I also realized that if we were not related our friendship would have been one of utility, and not a true friendship.  His statement caused me to think even further – he is not willing to make deposits into this particular friendship account – if I called you once and never called back, could it be that I was busy, sick or even dead?  There is only one way to find out – make a deposit of concern – give me a call.   

Some may think I’m wasting energy on this incident, but in my quest to live authentically I have very little space for things or people that drain me.  In order to effectively manage this friendship, I realized that I had to change its dynamic.   The two steps I employed were:

·         Accountability – I took an inventory of the relationship.  Can I honestly say that I have made deposits into it by being R-E-A-L?  What were/are my contributions to this relationship?  Does this individual contribute to the relationship in a meaningful way or has he ever?  Do I feel negative vibes in this person’s presence?  Do I feel hypocritical when having to interact with this person?  I must admit I didn’t like the answers [even though they were true].

·         Forgiveness – I needed to forgive this person for his treatment of our relationship.  It does not mean that I had to be condescending or self-righteous; it just means that his behavior (although it hurt) has nothing to do with me.  I read that to forgive is to perform spiritual surgery on the soul and that is just how it felt when I decided to forgive this relative.  I removed the desire for things to have been different and replaced it with an acceptance that this is who he is and unless he sees a need to change, this is who he will always be.  From Genesis to Revelation runs the recurring theme of forgiveness; and if I am to live in God’s image, I must forgive others.

Truth be told, I now feel better about this relationship.  Although I would not be making the type of deposits I once made, I am very grateful because I’m reminded of how I want to be treated and how I should treat others.  It keeps me R-E-A-L. 

I’m just thinking . . .

Forging Friendships

Proverbs 18:24, “Friends come and go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.” (Message Paraphrase) Who are your friends, or dare I ask, do you have friends?  Webster’s dictionary defines a friend as a person who one knows well and is fond of.  A big grin crept across my face as I read the definition, because there are many people I know well yet not fond of and vice versa.  Albeit, I’m very happy to say that there are a few people whom I know very well and am blissfully fond of.  Take a moment to think of persons you consider as friends and try to identify what made you friends.  I am not speaking about Facebook friends – some of which you’re neither fond of nor know well.  If asked the favorite color or food or some basic likes and dislikes of some of our myriad Facebook friends, many of us would be lost for words – we don’t know them well.

In his book Making Friends and Making Them Count, Dr. Em Griffin says that friendship is not an option for humans, but a mandate from God.  Let’s be honest, we were created for companionship.  Genesis 2:18 says, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”  Seventeenth-century philosopher Francis Bacon noted two positive outcomes of friendship: “It redoubleth joys and cutteth griefs in half.” If one is blessed to find real friendship in this lifetime, truly one’s joys would be doubled and their griefs halved.  Some friendships even grow into marriages and others disintegrate along the way, but every friendship should be appreciated for what it brings to our lives. 

Like anything else, there are different types of friendships.  Aristotle made the differentiation among three types of friendship:

·         ‘Friendship’ based on utility – such as eager, upbeat people in business cultivating each other to improve the bottom line.

·         ‘Friendship’ based on pleasure- like young people interested in partying or sports.

·         ‘Perfect friendship’ – based on true admiration for another’s good character.

The philosopher categorized the first two as ‘qualified and superficial’ because they are founded on flimsy circumstances. The last he considered to be more fulfilling than the other two. As qualified and superficial as the first two types of friendship may be, I consider them to be necessary.  In addition to Aristotle’s categories of friendship, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott offer another – the transitory friendship.  These friendships are like cowboys who ride herd together for miles, sharing both dusty perils and round-the-campfire coffee. We all have friendships that come to their natural end. Not because of discontent or lack of interest, but simply because the road has run out. We hit the end of the trail together and it’s time to move on to other things, other companies of men (Parrott & Parrott, 1998). 

            Altogether, friendship is a necessary part of life and in order to have good friends one must be a good friend.  One good way to cultivate joy-doubling friendships is to get REAL.

·         R – Relate honestly with others by sharing snapshots of your past so they better understand who you are today.

·         E – Emotions.  It is okay to show pain, joy, fear and any other emotion you’re feeling.

·         A – Affection.  Genuine displays of affection are comforting especially during challenging times.

·         L – Liberality.  An attitude of open-mindedness sets the stage for you and your friends to understand each other.

In today’s health-crazed society, the best vitamin for friendship is B1.  Are you a good friend? I’m just thinking . . .

Who Packed Your Parachute?

I read this story about Captain J. Charles Plumb a former US Navy Pilot and had to share it with you.  Captain Plumb was a jet pilot in Vietnam and after seventy-five combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile.  He ejected, parachuted into enemy hands, and was captured spending six years in a communist prison.  He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from his experience. 

One day Captain Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man from another table came up and said, “You’re Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk.  You were shot down.”  “How in the world did you know that?” Plumb asked.  “I packed your parachute,” the man replied.  The captain gasped in surprise and gratitude.  The man grabbed his hand and said, “I guess it worked!”  Plum assured him, “It sure did, if your chute hadn’t worked, I wouldn’t be here today.”

Captain Plumb couldn’t sleep that night, thinking about that man.  He kept wondering what the man might have looked like in a Navy uniform.  He wondered how many times he might have seen him and not even said “Good morning” or “How are you” or anything else; because you see, he was a fighter pilot and the other man was just a sailor.  Plumb also thought of the many hours that sailor had spent in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands the fate of someone he didn’t know.  Now when Plumb speaks to his audiences he asks them, “Who is packing your parachute?”

My question to you today is simply, “Who packed your parachute which enabled you to be where you are today?”  Nobody is successful all by themselves; some person or persons packed their parachute that got them here today.  John Mason says it more eloquently than I do when he wrote, “There’s no such thing as a ‘self-made’ man; we’re all made up of thousands of others.”  Just like Plumb, we make the error of not acknowledging others in the workplace, congregations, and neighborhoods or even on the streets because they are ‘different’ than we are.  We never say “Good morning” or “How are you” or “Thank you” because others look, speak or act differently than we do.  If someone does a ‘lower’ job than we do, saying “Good morning” or “How are you” is a chore.  However, that job packs the parachute which enables our higher jobs to function smoothly.  Proverbs 16:18 tells us, “Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall.”  Are we haughty because of our position in life?  Beware, haughtiness eliminates parachutes and we all know what happens when we are ejected without one.  From today, let us remember some parachute packers who enable us to do what we do:

·         Parents

·         Teachers/mentors

·         Preachers

·         God-parents and other relatives

·         Spouse

·         Nannies

·         Housekeepers

·         Home Aides to our elderly parents

·         Doormen/elevator operators

·         Train operators

Take some time now to complete the above list as we contemplate the words of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 12: 5-6, “There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us.” (NLT)

            Wow, imagine relating with others per the aforementioned understanding!  I’m just thinking . . .

Shalom Alechem! (Peace to You!)

Have you ever been greeted with the word “Shalom” when saying ‘hello’ or ‘goodbye’?   I have, and I use it as a way to end my e-mail messages.  What does this greeting/blessing really mean?  The word shalom comes from the Hebrew verb shalem which means to be well, complete, or safe.  The word is used in the Old Testament two hundred forty (240) times to imply well-being, wholeness, fulfillment and harmony.  Interestingly enough, this greeting applies to individuals or groups of people.  So, in today’s world do we really have peace – as individuals; as communities; as countries?

The old proverb says, “Peace is not the absence of war/conflict, but the presence of God.”  There will always be conflict while we live here on earth.  So, how do we maintain ‘peace’ in the midst of myriad personal problems, family conflicts and a depressed economy?   The ‘secret’ (as in the old proverb) is the presence of God.  What is this presence and what does it look/feel like?  For purposes of this forum, the presence of God looks like (but is not limited to) the following attributes:

·         Justice

·         Kindness

·         Self-control

·         Respect for others

Justice seems to be a foreign concept in today’s world of narcissism.  There is no empathy for others who are different than we are – financially, ethnically, racially or otherwise.  To this end, politicians find it quite easy to make basic human rights into a political debate while their constituents suffer.  We see dictators living sans consideration for their countrymen, which in turn leads to strife culminating in the toppling and death of some dictators as seen recently.  The citizenry would find it very difficult to be complete, safe, and in harmony while being oppressed.  Where is the peace or presence of God?  If we considered others to be as valuable as we are, then an inherent respect would flow into our everyday dealings, thus preparing laying a foundation for peace. 

Random acts of kindness are few and far between, however, if we are truly at peace with ourselves kindness should be a way of life.  Kind deeds do not always have to be done in front of cameras or posted on Face Book, but simple thoughtful gestures would be so appreciated by the beneficiary while the giver also gets a good feeling – thus facilitating peace in both their souls.  To be thoughtful of others forces us to control our natural inclinations of greed, vengeance, hurtful words and the list goes on. 

Peace (to my mind) is that stillness in each of us that keeps us calm when things around us are chaotic.  It is the stillness that can be respectful and thoughtful of others or wanting the best for them despite our own personal challenges.  This stillness fights against jealousy, injustice, disrespect and conflict.  It is the stillness that keeps us focused on our goals in the midst of recession, oppression and depression.

Jesus said, “I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart.  And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.  So don’t be troubled or afraid.” (John 14:27 NLT)

What would happen if we tapped into this gift of peace today – as an individual, a family, a congregation, a nation, a world?  Peace to you! I’m just thinking . . .