She Ain't Heavy, She's My Sistah

The words of the 1969 hit ‘He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother’ came to mind as I listened to a colleague share some of her most intimate and personal trials with me at 2:54 am.  Yes, I wanted to sleep, but it felt as though I were fulfilling my purpose by being there for her to call.  Do you have someone you can call at 2:00am?  Too often, we as women don’t value the friendships God has placed in our lives.

The songs begins, “The road is long with many a winding turn that leads to who knows where” – singlehood, marriage, pregnancy, divorce, death of parents, illness – which will test our friendships.  Do you have a sistah with whom you can navigate the long road with its myriad winding turns?  A sistah is:

·         S – someone

·         I – indelibly

·         S – sewn

·         T – to

·         A – another’s

·         H – heart

Being a sistah does not necessitate an adjective like a good friend or a genuine person – the word itself embodies all those adjectives.  When one person is indelibly sewn/attached to another, there is no room for gossip, pettiness, jealousy or competition.  A sistah is not afraid to tell you what she thinks in a loving manner, and knows when to just sit and cry with you.  She knows it’s not always necessary to say or do the right thing, but that sometimes just a hug will do.  So, why do we support shows that promote woman-on-woman crime?  Some reality shows tell us that it’s okay to cut each other down in order to build ourselves up.  Recently, an African-American teenager broke a record at the 2012 Olympics in London and her accomplishment took second place to her hair on websites across the country.  What made me agonizingly sick is that African-American women [like herself] were championing the onslaught.  At times like this, you need a sistah to share a good cry, a side-splitting laugh, a heartfelt prayer, an appropriate silence or a bowl of ice-cream (okay, that’s me); but you get the idea.   Proverbs 18:24 tells us, “Friends come and friends go, but a true friend (sistah) sticks to you like family.” (The Message)

Do you have a group of sistahs?  Are you a sistah?  We are supposed to bear each other up in good and bad times -  no, she ain't heavey, she's my sistah. 

Become a sistah today . . . I'm just thinking.

Life Is Fragile

Very rarely am I at a loss for words, but over the past week I have truly been speechless.  The senselessness of the shootings in Aurora, Colorado have left me pondering on the fragility of life and whether we are safe anywhere.  As optimistic as I am, it pains me to think of the frequency of these mass murders which seem to take place every time we listen to the news.  My heart bled when I heard the stories of some survivors and how they watched others die beside them. What is the lesson for us who are left behind?  I don’t know which lessons you have gleaned, however, I will attempt to list the ones I have learned below:

·         Life is fragile so handle with prayer.  Every time you leave your home may be the last time you walk through those doors, so pray that God’s presence be with you.

·         Tell your loved ones how much you love them.  Yes, this may seem mushy, but let them know how much you appreciate them (even the teenagers who don’t want to show affection) and often – because if you’re taken from them unexpectedly, they know how much you loved them.

·         Treat others with kindness.  When we are kind to others, we acknowledge them as being worthy of respect and also God’s handiwork.  It may be your last opportunity to do so.

All in all, nobody wins in a situation like this.  The alleged murderer and his family feel as much pain as the victims and their families.  It has been said that hurt people hurt other people, and it is my prayer that we are able to help some hurt people heal whenever the opportunity presents itself. 

I was just thinking . . .

The Examined Life

Socrates, the father of Western Philosophy was always in the pursuit of knowledge. One of his more popular quotes, “The unexamined life is not worth living” can be debated for hours on end. To my mind, it means a life which is not evaluated from time to time lacks room for improvement and growth, resulting in an aimless journey thus ultimately wasted on the person living such life. This is not a new phenomenon, even the prophet Jeremiah told the people of Israel, “Let us take a good look at the way we are living and reorder our lives under God”, Lamentations 3:40 The Message paraphrase.  Within recent times, Don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four Agreements (and more recently, The Fifth Agreement with his son Don Jose Ruiz) gave us some pointers for evaluating our lives.

It is interesting to note that the premise of these books is to make agreements with ourselves; after all, we are responsible for nobody else but ourselves.  It is a practical way to ‘examine’ our lives and making the necessary adjustments. The agreements are:

·         Be impeccable with your word – speaking with integrity and saying only what you mean.

·         Don’t take anything personally – nothing others do is because of you.

·         Don’t make assumptions – finding the courage to ask questions and communicating your expectations.

·         Always be your best – under any circumstance, do your best (which will change from time to time i.e. sick or healthy, employed or unemployed etc.)

·         Be skeptical, but learn to listen – don’t believe yourself or anyone else by using your power of discernment to get at the truth.

If we take the time to examine our lives from time to time, I believe we can live authentic lives. I was just thinking . . .

 

Reading - The Endangered Species

It’s that time of year – end of school for millions of children.  Will your children be reading any good books this summer?  Appreciation of literature is now becoming an endangered genus. Today’s generation does not enjoy reading and by extension, cannot recognize the value of literature.  Research has found that over two hundred thousand hours are spent viewing television or being exposed to some form of electronic media [or gadgets] from age five to eighteen (A Balanced Use of Educational Media). In the present culture electronic media has become an excellent baby-sitter both at home and in the classroom. Parents use it while they perform domestic duties and teachers use it while they carry out administrative tasks.

As technology improves, parts of the minds of this generation deteriorate, in large part because of lack of use. Constant bombardment of electronic gadgets creates a passive existence which requires little thinking, if any at all. Humans were made after God’s image and likeness – a little lower than the angels, with the ability to think critically and to reason. Parents can nurture this ability in their children by reading – both reading to them and with them. Reading aloud to children has been called the single most important activity for building the knowledge required for success in and love of reading. Reading aloud, with children participating actively, helps children learn new words, learn more about the world and see the connection between words that are spoken and words that are written (Ambruster, Lehr and Osborn).

As grateful as we are for electronic gadgets, they have their place. That place is not to usurp reading, but to complement it. We risk a generation that does not understand various types of writings if we fail to act now.  Please encourage your child to read!

References –

"A Balanced Use of Educational Media." Liberty University, 2007.

Ambruster, Bonie, Fran Lehr and Jean Osborn. "A Child Becomes a Reader." National Institute for Literacy 2003: 8.

Choices, Choices, Choices!

As I sat reading Robert Frost’s poem The Road Not Taken its symbolism was not lost on me.  I was once again reminded that life if filled with choices.  As a matter of fact, it is impossible to live life without having to make choices; one cannot not choose – everything undertaken in life involves choice; choices can be as quotidian as what to have for breakfast; as traumatic as whether or not to cease life support to an ailing spouse or as eternal as whether to accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior – either way, choices must be made and the effects on generations to come cannot be denied.  Right now I am exercising the choice to write this piece instead of taking a nap on this peaceful day.  

However, some choices are more critical to our survival than writing or taking naps (as important as they are).  In  this poem the traveler stands confused looking at both roads as they lay [equally] before him – both able to take him from his present situation, symbolically characteristic of myriad temptations placed before Christians on a day to day basis appearing similar to God’s way. To the reader (Christian or non-Christian) the allegorical thread beneath this fine work is evident in all stanzas – consider all aspects of the choices presented before making a decision. When faced with a decision, as humans, the natural inclination throughout the ages is to wonder “what if” and, more so after we have made it. This inclination comes from our need for certainty and predictability; the reality of this poem is still evident today in many working mothers who question their decision to work outside the home many years after the children have grown up. The poet does not disregard this human frailty, but embraces the inclination taking the readers along on this obscure journey of decision-making with choices that appear so alike.

It's my belief that when faced with a decision, we are to prayerfully consider the alternatives and faithfully make the decision. (I say faithfully becuase we must believe we've made the right choice.) While one must make choices carefully, here lies the paradox – one cannot be too hard on oneself by constantly questioning the decision which has already been made.  So, do your best and let God do the rest . . . I’m just thinking.

We've Lost that Loving Feeling

This is an election year in the USA and as political pundits and candidates take to the airwaves to convince the electorate, I am saddened by the vitriol with which the messages are delivered.

Alfred Adler’s Individual Psychology Theory postulates that people are born with weak, inferior bodies which cause them to have feelings of inferiority, thus making them dependent on others. He also suggests that a feeling of unity with others (social interest) is innate, and as such is the summit for psychological health. In an effort to protect the human’s fragile self-esteem (emanating from the feelings of inferiority), Adler believed that people developed patterns of coping or Safeguarding Techniques.

On the surface, Adler’s theory appears to compare favorably with Christianity on two levels:

·       The sense of community – as seen throughout the Bible, a sense of community – social feeling/community feeling (gemeinschaftsgefuhl) is very important. The early church is a perfect example of this, the book of Acts states that the believers assembled together for prayer and fellowship. We also know that they sold their goods and shared the proceeds.

·       The search for perfection – his teleology stresses that future goals motivate present behavior. Although the Bible does not teach that Christ’s followers can become perfect, it does however, embrace striving for improved relationships with God and fellow believers. Paul says it best in Philippians 3:13-14; the goal being not perfection, but the prize of the upward call of God in Christ.

However, if we want to continue calling ourselves a Christian nation, then the way in which we treat the least among us is in need of an overhaul.  It appears to me that even as one possesses great wealth one can still possess a fragile self-esteem with a penchant to demean others.  It is sad that our public discourse cannot be on a level where we can respectfully disagree without name calling and deprecation.  As the Righteous Brothers sang years ago, “You’ve [We’ve] lost that loving feeling.” 

As a Christian nation, let’s try to regain that loving feeling before it’s gone.  We can do this by reinstating that sense of community and searching for a more ‘perfect’ way to hold our public discourse as we strive for a better nation.

I’m just thinking . . . have we really lost that loving feeling?

Got Peace?

There are numerous definitions to peace, but the one I like the most is “Freedom from disquieting thoughts and feelings.”  For purposes of this post, this definition will frame our discussion.  The Apostle Paul told the church at Philippi that if they ceased from worrying, they would experience the peace of God which transcends all understanding and it will guard their hearts and minds (Philippians 4: 4-9).  This peace as described by Paul frees us from disquieting thoughts and feelings – it allows us to be authentic beings.  This is the kind of peace that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is all and in all.

Today people are searching for peace (although some may not know what they’re searching for) and try to replace it with prestige, pleasure, prosperity, position and popularity.  However, all the peas in the pod count for naught if there is no peace.  Another word being thrown around is – platform.  I often hear people say, “If I had a platform, I would do such and such.”  Sometimes I say to some, “You already have a platform – your life – make it count by living authentically for what you believe in.”  After saying this, some eyes would drop, others will fill with tears and upon subsequent probing I would realize that what they really want is prestige or popularity not a platform.

Please understand that nothing is wrong with prestige, popularity, prosperity or any high position, however, we can better affect others if we are at peace with ourselves.  Peace coupled with anything is like the spice which gives a dish that special umph.  I dare to propose that we all have a platform with each encounter we have with others.  A platform – an opportunity to declare our principles – can be seen each time we treat others with respect, or we stand up for justice or we accept people for who they are and what they bring to the table.  Some of us may not reach thousands, but if we authentically and consistently reach those we are in contact with, God will multiply our efforts and even broaden our platform. 

Malcolm Forbes said it best, “You can judge the character of a man by the way he treats others who can do nothing for him.”   I believe that unless we are at peace with ourselves, we cannot treat others in a respectful manner – both those who can do something for us and those who cannot.
Got peace? I’m just thinking . . .

Everybody Needs Somebody

Hi, I’m Toni and I am an Oprah’s Lifeclass Addict.  Now that we got that out of the way, let me share my thoughts with you. 

On this season of Lifeclass, I was overjoyed to see six women from the Rockville Correctional Institution in the audience via Skype.  Why am I overjoyed to see this?  My intense joy is a result of the recognition that these inmates are no different than we are – people desiring self-improvement – and that they were treated as such.  My heart was truly touched that this correctional institution was truly living up to its purpose of restoring the whole person.  The main purpose of incarceration is to restore the individual through:

·         Retribution

·         Reformation

·         Rehabilitation

However, many times our justice system restores inmates mainly through retribution and they are subsequently released without true reform and not really rehabilitated.  This error is detrimental to the society as a whole, because a ‘revolving door’ cycle ensues – the inmate is released and goes back to his/her former activities is returned to prison and so on.  It should be noted that it is often financially and emotionally cheaper to rehabilitate than to incarcerate. 

Usually, inmates are not thought of very fondly and some of us even believe that we are better than they are.  Albeit, with the right mix of circumstances, stress, mindset and/or [a weapon], any one of us could be incarcerated.  With that in mind, how do you treat an incarcerated person or someone who has recently been released?  Are you your brother’s keeper?  What do we do assist that person to improve their life situation?  What can we do?

Oprah’s Lifeclass is just one tool which can be used as we restore the whole person for reintegration into society.  These classes guide people to become the highest expressions of themselves, which begin with their own awakening.  The awakening includes being awakened to their roles in being incarcerated and the notion that they have a purpose.  Many churches have prison ministries aimed at providing tools for inmates to renter society and the one which I particularly like is Texas Offenders Reentry Initiative (TORI) – a faith based program affiliated with the Potter’s House of Dallas.  The initiative’s motto is ‘Healing the Past to Empower the Future’.  To my mind, when a person recognizes that they have potential to become their best self, and they are given the tools – training and opportunity – we have a person who is less likely to return to prison.  Some prisons also have excellent programs which restore the humanity of their inmates – for example a hospice program at Angola Prison in Louisiana. 

How can we help?  There are many great programs, but I dare say we need more.  Yes, I know that red tape abounds if we want to set up such an ambitious program, however, we can consider donating to programs which educate and prepare inmates for reentering society.  If you have the time, you can join a prison ministry in your church and teach inmates to read or help with GED preparation.  There are myriad opportunities to help others live their best lives. 

Everybody needs somebody and I try every day to be a ‘somebody’ to those I come in contact with.  Can you be somebody to someone today?

I’m just thinking . . .

God Provides!

My last post addressed thinking about others despite your own challenges and how I was able to do it.  This post seeks to address the benefits of fully sharing the hell of others close to you.

As I intimated previously I am facing myriad challenges and took the time to help others.  Well, while I was helping others, God used some others to help me.  One friend who is currently unemployed took the time to pack me a ‘goody bag’ which included among additional things, much needed items such as toilet paper, dishwashing detergent and foil.  Now this act of love just blew me away – here we are both unemployed, yet she shared what she had with me.  Another friend, who knows that I am existing on the basics, blessed me with the luxury of mixed nuts, a sweater and a belt.  Yet another friend felt moved to assist with paying my rent.  All these are miracles to me, because each of my aforementioned friends is also going through trials of their own and took the time to acknowledge my ‘hell’.  Of course these instances of love and care brought tears to my eyes, however, they also reminded me of how I am to treat others in their times of need.  God used them to help me and I have to be open for opportunities to have Him use me to bless others. 

The point of this post is simple – God provides!  When Abraham was about to sacrifice his son Isaac, God provided a ram in the thicket (Genesis22:13).  Jesus expounded on this concept of God’s provision in His teaching about the futility of worrying over life in Luke 12: 22-34.  He said, “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life – whether you have enough food to eat or enough clothes to wear.  For life is more than food, and your body more than clothing.” (vv 22-23)

I was just thinking about the ways God has provided for me and wondered whether you have ways in which He also provided for you.  If He has provided for you, drop me a line.  As per usual, I’m just thinking . . .

It's Not [Always] About You!

 “It’s odd that you can get so anesthetized by your own pain or your own problem that you don’t quite fully share the hell of someone close to you.” Lady Bird Johnson. 

The above quote gave me reason to reflect on my actions.  Within recent times, I’ve been facing some challenges and was tempted to feel sorry for myself.  However, as I remembered a friend who was mourning the passing of her beloved father, another whose lupus had flared up and yet another thrust into the position of taking care of his 90-year old father.  In the grand scheme of things while what I was going through was traumatic, others close to me were going through situations which were just as traumatic and even more in many instances. 

The Apostle Paul gave an excellent example of putting suffering into perspective in his first letter to the church at Corinth – “The temptations (tests/trials) in your life are no different from what others experience.  And God is faithful, He will not allow the temptation (test/trial) to be more than you can stand.  When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so you can endure.” (1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT)  Who better to speak to helping others while undergoing trials than Paul?  He was in prison awaiting execution, yet concerned about the wellbeing of souls of others – writing letters to his congregations and pastors.

So, what do we do when we have trials and others close to us are undergoing trials also?  As for me, I listened to my friend as she recalled memories of her father and researched some homeopathic information about lupus for my other friend, while I gave the other tips on finding a good care-giver for his dad.  We all have to be creative to let others know that we care when they are facing trials.  It might be as simple as listening (no advice necessary), sitting quietly holding the person’s hands or even crying with them.  The wonderful thing is that when we do this, we forget our own trial and it seems small in comparison to when we focus on it.  When I eventually had time to deal with most my pressing challenge, my perspective was different and I was better able to navigate towards a solution (even if not permanent).

What can you do for someone today?  Philippians 2:4 tells us “Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage.  Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.” (MSG)

It’s my prayer that we do not become so anesthetized with our own concerns that we miss the tsunami in the lives of those close to us.  I’m just thinking . . .

Just Thinking: The Color of Character

Just Thinking: The Color of Character: Recently you and I looked at Stevie Wonder’s song ‘ Love’s In Need of Love Today ’ and quickly realized that we were not ‘loving’ or respect...

The Color of Character

Recently you and I looked at Stevie Wonder’s song ‘Love’s In Need of Love Today’ and quickly realized that we were not ‘loving’ or respecting each other as we should.  This love to which I refer is Philia (φιλί) means friendship or affectionate love in modern Greek. It is a dispassionate virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle.  It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity.  Many of us are familiar with Agape love – also from the Greek – the essence of which is self-sacrifice.  However, I am wrestling right now with philia love in light of the killing of Trayvon Martin. 

Trayvon Martin was a seventeen year old young man who was fatally shot by a gentleman who is the head of the neighborhood watch in a community where Trayvon’s father lives.  It has been reported that there were several robberies in the community with young African-American men as the perpetrators; so upon seeing Trayvon wearing a ‘hoodie’ the gentleman became scared and shot him in self-defense.  Without delving into all the details of the incident, Trayvon (who was unarmed) just happened to be African-American when he lost his life.  This incident reminded me of a line in Dr. Martin Luther King’s famous speech, “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skins but by the content of their character.”  This young man was judged simply by the color of his skin and not given an opportunity to display his character.  How often do you and I do the same thing?

In 2012, one would think that Dr. King’s word (spoken in 1963) would have taken some root.  This blatant disrespect for human life was further exacerbated when the police did not find it necessary to investigate the matter any further than the shooter’s claim of self-defense.  What are we saying here?  Does this loyalty (philia love) to friends, family and community apply only when the community looks like we do?  In this multi-cultural, multi-ethnic society in which we live  (considering the world as we know it is shrinking thanks to technology), our community consists of more than the person living next door who looks like us.  Our community is now the Universe, and as such injustice anywhere affects justice everywhere according to Dr. King.  Our futures are interwoven with each other’s whether we want to admit it or not.

Where is our basic humanness or human values?  French born microbiologist, Rene Dubos noted, “Our society is highly expert in controlling the external world and even the human mind, but our relationships with other human beings and the rest of creation are constantly diminishing in significance.”  As citizens of the world, it behooves us to be respectful of each other sans consideration for their race, creed or ethnicity, thereby stalling the rapid deterioration of human significance.  We are all precious in the sight of God and while we acknowledge that people make mistakes, we must do our part to deal justly with others.  The officers of the law failed this young man and if we sit quietly by there will be no justice (for Trayvon and ultimately us) and his life would have lost its significance. 

If you have the opportunity, please read the poem Pax et Amare by Richard S. Pope.  The first verse says, “Man professes love for Man: Man talks of humanity; Yet history belies the talk; History shows Man a lie.”  What happened last month in Florida is now history and it contradicts the words of the Declaration of Independence – that ALL men would be guaranteed the inalienable (unchallengeable) rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Is history showing us to be liars?  Are the rights of some being challenged, while the rights of others are being protected?  I’m just thinking . . .

Fill Your Niche - Part 2

Richard Chang said, “Passion without purpose is meaningless.”  Last week we began looking at identifying our passion and working towards its purpose.  Have you identified what you believe your purpose to be?  If you haven’t quite done that yet, let me help you out.  Let’s begin by considering our entire being – body, personality and Spirit/Soul.

·         Body – do you have the body type required for your purpose?  Are you sick often, do you tire easily?  Maybe you have slender fingers and could be a great hand model.  (Anything to do with your body and its functioning.)

·         Personality – do you have the required personality to carry out your purpose?  For example, are you an introverted, shy person trying to be a television star?

·         Spirit/Soul – this part of your being has a connection with the Creator and should reflect your genuine fulfillment in carrying out your purpose.

Another way we can confirm our purpose is to think about the following:

·         When you were a child, what did you fantasize about doing?

·         What do your friends and family think you’re best suited to?  (These must be trusted individuals in whom you can confide.)

·         Look at your present environment, does it reveal what interests and excites you?

Once you have done an inventory (using the above points as a guide), create a vision statement for yourself (this is the end product you want to see – should be consistent with your character qualities and interests).  The next thing you want to do after creating your vision statement is to create a mission statement.  A mission statement is really a declaration of action i.e. the actions we need to take to accomplish our vision.

With your vision and mission statements in hand, you must now come up with a strategy for filling your niche.  Please note that your strategy will entail setting clear and specific goals and achieving them.  Another thing to be mindful of is that we live in the real world and there will be obstacles.  Obstacles (both internal and external) will seek to quench our drive at times, but here is where you need a support system – friends who will hold you accountable, mentors or family members.  Internal obstacles include negative thoughts and doubt, while external obstacles may include finances, family obligations etc.; however, a good support system will help to buffer the effects and get you back on track. 

Last but not least, try to volunteer in the field in which you’re interested.  That way, you serve the greater good of mankind while learning more about your intended niche.  Volunteering is also a perfect way to get mentors and tell you whether you’re truly filling your niche or chasing fame. 

This medium merely scratches the surface of identifying and pursuing your passion and purpose.  If you need further assistance, do not hesitate to contact me and we can take this journey together.

As usual, I am just thinking . . .

Find Your Niche

If you had no concern for money, what would you do with your time?  Just thinking about this activity brings a smile to some of our faces.  Does this activity serve others – elevating humankind as a whole?  If the answer is yes, then you can honestly say that your passion has purpose.  It has been said that once you love what you do, you never work a day in your life.  Some of us are blessed to have our passion and purpose aligned which sometimes causes us to spend countless hours on it, yet never having to ‘work’.  This would be heaven on earth!  An actor once said in an interview that his passion was acting and his purpose was to help educate children which he does through his foundation.  In addition to that, the roles he accepts also educate children about life in general – wow, talk about heaven on earth.  He also uses his ‘celebrity’ status to expose the children to things which they would not normally have had the exposure. 

What about you?  What is your passion?  What is your purpose?  Are you willing to make difference before you leave this earth?  What will your legacy be?  Yes, I know I just hurled five questions at you in quick succession; but here is why – I strongly believe with all my heart that we were each sent here with a purpose.  Whatever that purpose may be, it is yours and you should embrace it regardless of what others think of it.  You may be called to be a great mother, wife, doctor, diver, or teacher – and the list goes on – whatever your purpose, do it to the best of your ability. 

Are you willing to embark on a little journey with me?  After you’ve identified your purpose (it may take a little while longer for some), we need to be honest with ourselves.  Are we seeking fame or fulfillment?  We get fulfillment when we identify our niche and fill it – not only are the recipients of our work blessed, but God is glorified and we feel ‘full’.  Some successful people did not set out seeking fame, they just wanted to make a difference and their lives were catapulted onto a world trajectory.   Please understand that nothing is wrong with fame, however, if your motive in doing something is simply for grandiose reasons, it may not be as fulfilling.  Consider the story of King David in 1 Samuel 16 – he had no intentions of becoming a king.  To his mind, his calling was to be a shepherd – which he did to the best of his ability – and because God saw his heart (motive), he became a great King [shepherding] Israel’s people.  Although this was an over-simplification of the David story, read his entire story beginning in 1 Samuel chapter 16, there you will identify both David’s passion and purpose coming into alignment.

Take some time to chew on what has been presented and next week, we will take an in-depth look at identifying our purpose and working towards it.

You know me . . . I’m just thinking.

The War Within

 Have you ever had a war within – a situation where you had to choose from two vastly opposing courses of action?  Well, we have all had them (whether we want to admit it or not) and as a matter of fact we have them more often than we realize.  Social psychologists call this cognitive dissonance – where we carry conflicting beliefs, ideas and values etc.  To understand in the simplest form, consider the following proverb - A Cherokee grandfather sitting with his grandchildren told them, “In life there is a terrible fight taking place inside us - a fight between two wolves.  One is evil: he is fear, anger, envy, greed, arrogance, self-pity resentment, and deceit.  The other is good: he is joy, serenity, humility, confidence, generosity, truth, gentleness, and compassion.” A child asked, “Grandfather, which wolf will win?” The elder looked him in the eye. “The one you feed.”

What jumped out at me was the response – “The one you feed.”  How do we feed our wolves?  In my opinion, we feed them through our thoughts.  Our thoughts dictate our choices which manifest themselves in our speech, action and overall character.  Paul espoused this (more eloquently than I do) when he wrote to the congregation at Philippi, ^“Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse” (Philippians 4:8 – The Message).   If we feed the wolf (fill our minds) with noble thoughts, our resulting speech and actions would be polite, respectful and selfless.  Does this mean we will be perfect?  No, it simply means that even when we are wrong about something, our consciences are clear because we acted without an ulterior to hurt, belittle or bring down another.  When a wolf is fed purity, the host (person in whom it lives) will act from an authentic place of respect for others, including all living creatures.

Whereas, when the evil wolf is fed, we act sans care for the wellbeing of others, there is no justice with selfishness and greed running rampant among societies.  Why is it so easy to feed this wolf?  It is easier to feed because it takes into consideration only three people – Me, Myself and I – with no thought of how these actions will affect others.  Psychologist Carl Jung believed that the images of universal experiences contained in the collective unconscious are called archetypes.  He further identified three archetypes:

·         Persona – the mask or public face that we wear to protect ourselves.

·        Animus or Anima – both the biological and psychological aspects of masculinity and femininity (which coexists in both sexes).

·        Shadow – the most dangerous and powerful of the archetypes.  It is our dark side, thoughts feelings and actions that we tend to disown by projecting them outward.

Jung helped me to realize that when the good wolf is fed, you can be an authentic person with no need for a persona because people interact with what is presented to them. If we are always presenting a false self, people interact with us on a superficial level; and thus the cycle continues.  However, if I present a kind, gracious person to people (more times than not) our interactions would be more authentic.

So, whether you call the evil within you a wolf or a shadow – it is there.  Are you going to feed it?  I’m just thinking …

Love Is In Need of Love Today

I recently listened to an interview with Ms. Peggliene Bartels, King of Otuam, Ghana – yes, you read that correctly, a female king.  Ms. Bartels worked as a secretary at the Ghanaian Embassy in Washington DC and was later selected as tribal King of village in Ghana.  The interviewer enquired as to how Ms. Bartels was able to go back to her job at the embassy and fit in with her coworkers while being King.  To this, Ms. Bartels answered, “I was a secretary before I was a king, so I continue to treat all my coworkers with respect.”

This answer truly warmed my heart because it seems as though mankind has lost the ability to love or respect fellow human beings.  Where is the respect that comes from acknowledging each person as being just as worthy as we are?  Sometimes we believe that our economic status or station in life or address, affords us the right to treat others with scant courtesies.  Stevie Wonder addressed this poignantly when he penned the song ‘Love’s in Need of Love Today.’ 

Here are some of the lyrics to this song which speak to us all –
Good morn or evening friends, Here's your friendly announcer
I have serious news to pass on to every-body, What I'm about to say
Could mean the world's disaster, could change your joy and laughter to tears and pain.

It's that love's in need of love today. Don't delay. Send yours in right away.
Hate's goin' round. Breaking many hearts. Stop it please. Before it's gone too far.

The force of evil plans to make you its possession.

And it will, if we let it destroy everybody.  
We all must take precautionary measures if love and please you treasure.
Then you'll hear me when I say.

Oh that love's in need of love today, love's in need of love today.
Don't delay, don't delay.
Send yours in right away, right a-way. 
Hate's goin' round, hate's goin' round.
Breaking many hearts, breaking hearts.
Stop it please, stop it please. Before it's gone too far, gone too far.  

People you know that love's in need of love today.
Love's in need of love today, don't delay, don't delay.

The vitriol being observed in our public discourse is disheartening to say the least.  Politicians [who are supposed to be statesmen] don’t think twice about demonizing each other in order to push their agenda.  It is truly a situation where the force of evil has made us its possession and we are destroying others with our words and actions.  From today, let us try to respect every person we come in contact with.

Let’s give love some love today!   I’m just thinking . . .

What Will Your Legacy Be?

Another truly gifted person has left this earth – Whitney Houston.  Last week we took the time to examine our lives after losing Don Cornelius.  This week, as I look at the great memories Whitney left us; I ask myself (and you of course) – what will we leave the world after we’re gone?  It has been said that we will all die, the difference is the legacy we leave behind.

I’ve often said that we were each born with a purpose – some may become famous because of it and others will not – but we were all sent to this earth with a purpose.  To my mind, it appears that we don’t really believe that we have a purpose, hence we live the way we do.  If we believed that we were placed here with a purpose we would certainly live with conviction to be the best that we can be.  When we do small things with great love as Mother Teresa advised us to do, we are sure to leave a legacy.

One of my favorite hymns by Charles Wesley came to mind as I contemplated Whitney’s passing.  The first verse of the hymn reads – ‘A charge to keep I have, a God to glorify.  A never-dying soul to save, and fit it for the sky.”  The first line says it all – a charge to keep I have.  Please note that the charge (responsibility) belongs to us – to you and to me – to glorify God with our talents.  We were created with gifts and talents which when used to their fullest serve to bless others and glorify God.  Our souls are to be nurtured and prepared for when we are called to face God – because we all WILL be called some day.

The second verse says, ‘To serve the present age, my calling to fulfill.  O may it all my powers engage to do my Master’s will.’  We are to use our talents now – not when things are perfect, or when others recognize us – to fulfill our calling because our present actions will soon become our legacy.  The man after God’s heart – David – was said to have served God’s purposes in his own generation, then fell asleep and was buried with his fathers (Acts 13:36 NIV).  David didn’t wait until his conditions got better, he lived his life daily serving God’s purposes hence we are still reading his legacy thousands of years after his death. What engages all your thoughts/powers/abilities right now?  Are you engaging all your power to fulfill your Master’s will for your life?  Are others being blessed by your talents?

Today as we mourn the loss of Whitney Houston, we also celebrate her life and honor the legacy of the music she left us.  Most of all, we owe it to ourselves to live each and every day of our lives fulfilling God’s purposes for our lives in our generation – here and now.

What will your legacy be?  I’m just thinking . . .

Examination Time

This week we learned of the passing of the genius behind Soul Train – Mr. Don Cornelius.  Mr. Cornelius’ death was said to be a suicide and this crushed us [his fans] even further.  The first thing many of us asked was, “Did his life become so hopeless causing him to end it?”  There are many reasons being branded about as to the cause – illness, marital issues etc. – but our grief over his passing is still overwhelming.  His death is cause for self-examination for those of us who are left behind.  We often think that celebrities have it made because their money can afford them many luxuries while the majority of us can barely afford the necessities.  Albeit, at the end of the day we are all souls having a human experience – rich, poor or in-between – created by God for God.

I must admit that his passing really shook me to my core, not because he was a celebrity but because I know what it is like to look at a situation that appears to be hopeless.  Nobody can cast aspersions here, because we all have had our moments of doubt and despair when life situations just bombarded us leaving us little time to breathe.  Socrates, the father of Western Philosophy was always in the pursuit of knowledge; one of his more popular quotes is, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” From my perspective, this quote reminds me that a life which is not evaluated from time to time lacks room for improvement and growth.  Please note I make no judgments on Mr. Cornelius’ life, this statement is meant for us who are mourning his death to take a moment and examine our own lives.  Are we living authentically?  Do our actions reflect our deepest beliefs?  Is there some person or thing lacking in our lives?

The old Presbyterian Catechism began with this question, “What is the chief end of man?” The answer was, “To glorify God and enjoy Him forever.”   This question points to the purpose for our lives. It is my belief that we were all created with a deep yearning which can be filled only by God (Creator of the Universe – or any other ‘Spiritually correct’ name you may call Him).  Unfortunately, some of us try filling that void with various things like food, sex, alcohol, success etc., which cannot satisfy this yearning.  Philosophers all agree that mankind is going nowhere despite his craving for more – gadgets, material wealth, power, and prestige – if he does understand himself in the world.  We need spirit care more than anything this world can offer – the care of the spirit which can communicate with God.  

There will be times when we will all face despair, however, with the assistance of faithful friends, family and professionals (therapists, coaches etc.,) we can overcome.  Please understand that no amount of money or popularity can shield us from troubling times – they WILL come to us all.  In addition to the people God puts in our lives, He has placed His Spirit in us which acts as an anchor to keep our souls grounded through the inevitable storms of life.  When things appear hopeless, before giving up we can seek out Godly friends, and professionals and most of all seek God.   

Shouldn't we take some time from the busyness of life to examine our lives? I'm just thinking . . .

Keeping It R-E-A-L

Last week we discussed how we should forge new friendships and no sooner than I posted the blog that my ‘friendship’ with someone was tested once again.  It was so interesting because it meant that I must now apply the shared knowledge to my own growth.  Although I do not consider myself to be a friendly person, I do consider myself to be a good friend.  However, not everyone will appreciate what you bring to the table and as such you will be constantly reevaluating your friendships (just as we don't always appreciate what others bring to us).

After posting last week’s blog, I called a relative to touch base with her.  During our conversation, she mentioned that another relative said that I don’t call him.  At first I was at a loss for words, but when I regained my ability to speak, I asked her to explain what he meant.  To which she replied that he shared that I called him once and never called him back.  Upon realizing that this could quickly turn into a he say/she say situation, I skillfully changed the subject. 

Friendship is like a bank account, in order to make withdrawals; deposits would have had to be made.  It we invest time in others we get to know them well and after a while we can predict with a certain degree of accuracy the kinds of things they will do or say in certain circumstances.  As discussed last week, we cultivate friendships by being R-E-A-L, which is making deposits into the friendship account.  Deposits include – calling each other, spending time with each other (depending on proximity), caring about each other’s well-being and doing random acts of kindness to name a few. 

As I look back on this ‘friendship’, I realize that this person does not double my joys or cut my griefs in half.  As a matter of fact it is the exact opposite – his actions constantly double my griefs and cut my joys in half.  I also realized that if we were not related our friendship would have been one of utility, and not a true friendship.  His statement caused me to think even further – he is not willing to make deposits into this particular friendship account – if I called you once and never called back, could it be that I was busy, sick or even dead?  There is only one way to find out – make a deposit of concern – give me a call.   

Some may think I’m wasting energy on this incident, but in my quest to live authentically I have very little space for things or people that drain me.  In order to effectively manage this friendship, I realized that I had to change its dynamic.   The two steps I employed were:

·         Accountability – I took an inventory of the relationship.  Can I honestly say that I have made deposits into it by being R-E-A-L?  What were/are my contributions to this relationship?  Does this individual contribute to the relationship in a meaningful way or has he ever?  Do I feel negative vibes in this person’s presence?  Do I feel hypocritical when having to interact with this person?  I must admit I didn’t like the answers [even though they were true].

·         Forgiveness – I needed to forgive this person for his treatment of our relationship.  It does not mean that I had to be condescending or self-righteous; it just means that his behavior (although it hurt) has nothing to do with me.  I read that to forgive is to perform spiritual surgery on the soul and that is just how it felt when I decided to forgive this relative.  I removed the desire for things to have been different and replaced it with an acceptance that this is who he is and unless he sees a need to change, this is who he will always be.  From Genesis to Revelation runs the recurring theme of forgiveness; and if I am to live in God’s image, I must forgive others.

Truth be told, I now feel better about this relationship.  Although I would not be making the type of deposits I once made, I am very grateful because I’m reminded of how I want to be treated and how I should treat others.  It keeps me R-E-A-L. 

I’m just thinking . . .

Forging Friendships

Proverbs 18:24, “Friends come and go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.” (Message Paraphrase) Who are your friends, or dare I ask, do you have friends?  Webster’s dictionary defines a friend as a person who one knows well and is fond of.  A big grin crept across my face as I read the definition, because there are many people I know well yet not fond of and vice versa.  Albeit, I’m very happy to say that there are a few people whom I know very well and am blissfully fond of.  Take a moment to think of persons you consider as friends and try to identify what made you friends.  I am not speaking about Facebook friends – some of which you’re neither fond of nor know well.  If asked the favorite color or food or some basic likes and dislikes of some of our myriad Facebook friends, many of us would be lost for words – we don’t know them well.

In his book Making Friends and Making Them Count, Dr. Em Griffin says that friendship is not an option for humans, but a mandate from God.  Let’s be honest, we were created for companionship.  Genesis 2:18 says, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”  Seventeenth-century philosopher Francis Bacon noted two positive outcomes of friendship: “It redoubleth joys and cutteth griefs in half.” If one is blessed to find real friendship in this lifetime, truly one’s joys would be doubled and their griefs halved.  Some friendships even grow into marriages and others disintegrate along the way, but every friendship should be appreciated for what it brings to our lives. 

Like anything else, there are different types of friendships.  Aristotle made the differentiation among three types of friendship:

·         ‘Friendship’ based on utility – such as eager, upbeat people in business cultivating each other to improve the bottom line.

·         ‘Friendship’ based on pleasure- like young people interested in partying or sports.

·         ‘Perfect friendship’ – based on true admiration for another’s good character.

The philosopher categorized the first two as ‘qualified and superficial’ because they are founded on flimsy circumstances. The last he considered to be more fulfilling than the other two. As qualified and superficial as the first two types of friendship may be, I consider them to be necessary.  In addition to Aristotle’s categories of friendship, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott offer another – the transitory friendship.  These friendships are like cowboys who ride herd together for miles, sharing both dusty perils and round-the-campfire coffee. We all have friendships that come to their natural end. Not because of discontent or lack of interest, but simply because the road has run out. We hit the end of the trail together and it’s time to move on to other things, other companies of men (Parrott & Parrott, 1998). 

            Altogether, friendship is a necessary part of life and in order to have good friends one must be a good friend.  One good way to cultivate joy-doubling friendships is to get REAL.

·         R – Relate honestly with others by sharing snapshots of your past so they better understand who you are today.

·         E – Emotions.  It is okay to show pain, joy, fear and any other emotion you’re feeling.

·         A – Affection.  Genuine displays of affection are comforting especially during challenging times.

·         L – Liberality.  An attitude of open-mindedness sets the stage for you and your friends to understand each other.

In today’s health-crazed society, the best vitamin for friendship is B1.  Are you a good friend? I’m just thinking . . .