Keeping It R-E-A-L

Last week we discussed how we should forge new friendships and no sooner than I posted the blog that my ‘friendship’ with someone was tested once again.  It was so interesting because it meant that I must now apply the shared knowledge to my own growth.  Although I do not consider myself to be a friendly person, I do consider myself to be a good friend.  However, not everyone will appreciate what you bring to the table and as such you will be constantly reevaluating your friendships (just as we don't always appreciate what others bring to us).

After posting last week’s blog, I called a relative to touch base with her.  During our conversation, she mentioned that another relative said that I don’t call him.  At first I was at a loss for words, but when I regained my ability to speak, I asked her to explain what he meant.  To which she replied that he shared that I called him once and never called him back.  Upon realizing that this could quickly turn into a he say/she say situation, I skillfully changed the subject. 

Friendship is like a bank account, in order to make withdrawals; deposits would have had to be made.  It we invest time in others we get to know them well and after a while we can predict with a certain degree of accuracy the kinds of things they will do or say in certain circumstances.  As discussed last week, we cultivate friendships by being R-E-A-L, which is making deposits into the friendship account.  Deposits include – calling each other, spending time with each other (depending on proximity), caring about each other’s well-being and doing random acts of kindness to name a few. 

As I look back on this ‘friendship’, I realize that this person does not double my joys or cut my griefs in half.  As a matter of fact it is the exact opposite – his actions constantly double my griefs and cut my joys in half.  I also realized that if we were not related our friendship would have been one of utility, and not a true friendship.  His statement caused me to think even further – he is not willing to make deposits into this particular friendship account – if I called you once and never called back, could it be that I was busy, sick or even dead?  There is only one way to find out – make a deposit of concern – give me a call.   

Some may think I’m wasting energy on this incident, but in my quest to live authentically I have very little space for things or people that drain me.  In order to effectively manage this friendship, I realized that I had to change its dynamic.   The two steps I employed were:

·         Accountability – I took an inventory of the relationship.  Can I honestly say that I have made deposits into it by being R-E-A-L?  What were/are my contributions to this relationship?  Does this individual contribute to the relationship in a meaningful way or has he ever?  Do I feel negative vibes in this person’s presence?  Do I feel hypocritical when having to interact with this person?  I must admit I didn’t like the answers [even though they were true].

·         Forgiveness – I needed to forgive this person for his treatment of our relationship.  It does not mean that I had to be condescending or self-righteous; it just means that his behavior (although it hurt) has nothing to do with me.  I read that to forgive is to perform spiritual surgery on the soul and that is just how it felt when I decided to forgive this relative.  I removed the desire for things to have been different and replaced it with an acceptance that this is who he is and unless he sees a need to change, this is who he will always be.  From Genesis to Revelation runs the recurring theme of forgiveness; and if I am to live in God’s image, I must forgive others.

Truth be told, I now feel better about this relationship.  Although I would not be making the type of deposits I once made, I am very grateful because I’m reminded of how I want to be treated and how I should treat others.  It keeps me R-E-A-L. 

I’m just thinking . . .